Heh

(from Icanhascheezburger)

Need to know

Software apps get goofier every day. Now there’s an iPhone app called “PMS Buddy” that will let the user know when their female partner — ahh, never mind, let Wired explain it:

An upcoming iPhone app strives to facilitate harmony between Mars and Venus. PMS Buddy, coming soon to the iPhone’s App Store, is an application that keeps track of a woman’s menstrual cycles. The app is based on the PMS Buddy web site, whose slogan reads, “Saving relationships, one month at a time!”

Yes, the idea is to give you a reminder of when that time of the month is coming, so as to avoid misunderstandings, which could lead to heated arguments and “dinner plates being hurled across the room,” PMS Buddy’s web site says.

Well, that’s special.

Maybe they could take this idea a step further and come up with a Catholic version that lets guys know when it’s *safe* to engage in sexual congress: the “Natural Family Planning Buddy”.   It would be a His & Hers set:  hers comes with a thermometer, and when it hits the right temperature — RING RING! — he gets an email alert that says “Drop your socks and grab your scrock!”

Sat-ahy-uhr

See the rapier-witted satire.

See the CPC talking point stenography-flavoured outrage from Sandy Crux:

OOPS!

That’s better:

Maybe this will help?

Probably not, since the tags “Humour” and “Posts not to be taken too seriously” didn’t do the trick.  And they say feminists are humourless??

(h/t Scott’s Diatribes)

This just in! Darwinian evolution refuted!

A blogger who claims to stand athwart the “two hostile powers of the Jihad and Liberalism” says “Take that, Dawkins, you atheist prick!  Darwinian Evolution!??  NOT!!!”:

ZOT!!! (“This recent announcement” the blogger refers to is a link to someone  SUZANNE has also linked to, which should tell you all you need to know.) 

Oh, Reality!  Where is thy Towel-Snap?:

Ouch!  And ouch ouch ouch, until:

And finally:

Have the honesty to admit being wrong and move on?  Don’t hold your breath, buddy.

Irony, R.I.P.

What can you say about a piece like this:

… directly following the shrieky, brain-damaged whacked-outtitude of something like this:

… except that Irony is Officially Dead.

So let’s ponder its exhumed skull for a moment, and soliloquize in its honour:

Alas, poor Irony! We knew it, SUZANNE.

We found infinite jest in her most excellent fantasies

And the Abortion Debate hath bored us to tears a thousand times,

And now how abhorrent her imagination is!

Her glurge rises in it.

(With apologies to Willie Shakespeare)

(h/t DammitJanet)

Injured

Always clean up your workshop.

(Imagine “Jaws” music in background…)

Cue my friend Bruce:  “CROCS!?  Why do you wear those stupid things!??  No good can ever come of it!!”

HAHAHAHA!

Looks like this

is nothing new. 

“The only difference is that the fetuses can’t get together and march”?? Oh, fuck.

How out to lunch?

This is how out to lunch.  Found while surfing, a poll accompanying a blog post about abortion:

And the depressingly predictable results:

60% of these people could be on the verge of bankruptcy and are still more concerned about other peoples’ personal lives than they are about the economy that’s wrecking their own life.

They’re hopeless!!!

(As an aside, I like the way the poll had to tell the respondents to “be honest”.  Hahaha!)

The cookie line forms on the left

They’re onto us — they know about the Cookies! From the comments at the “Where, pray tell, are the feminists?” link here:

Oh, the toxic, wretched, burning stupid.

They don’t even comprehend that the reason people repost their comments elsewhere is because we know how honest anti-choicers are (see “abortion/breast cancer link”, see “the pill kills”, see “genocide awareness project”, see “abortion up to the 39th week”… etc.etc.), and since it’s common for them to use Comment Mod to cull dissent, it’s kind of standard operating procedure to screenshot or re-post any comments left on their sites.    I’ve given up commenting at most anti-choice sites because of their constant censorship.  In that light, why would we not repost comments somewhere else?  Sometimes it’s the only way they see the light of day.

But why am I complaining?   I suppose cookie-loving sycophants is a step up from feminazihomojihadists.

Joe the Political Strategist

Heeeeeeee’s back! Fresh from a stint in the middle east as a Pantload Media War Correspondent, yesterday Joe the Plumber was seen holding forth on Capitol Hill, giving political advice to GOP staffers:

You’d think Joe the Plumber’s 15 minutes would be up by now. But , no, after a stint as a correspondent in Israel, he took his act to Capitol Hill today.

The first order of business: giving political advice to conservative Republican staffers at breakfast, which, Wurzelbacher told us, “Went really well.”

His advice, essentially, was to take no prisoners in standing up for their beliefs.

“It’s not politically incorrect to say you’re Republican or conservative,” Joe said. “They need to dig their heels in and fight for what needs to be done.”

And no reason to be subtle, he said, as long as folks inform themselves. “I don’t believe there’s two sides to every story. It’s black and white,” Wurzelbacher explained. “There’s right and wrong.”

“Right and Wrong” – sounds like the same Winning Formula the GOP’s been using for the last 8 years. Yes! Palin/Joe the Plumber in 2012!

OMFG

Save a bullet for me!

Not a nice lady

To put it mildly.

From Iraq, purportedly the democratic jewel of the middle east where an election was just held a few days ago, an ugly little story of religious extremism used to exploit women:

A WOMAN suspected of recruiting more than 80 female suicide bombers has confessed to organising their rapes so she could later convince them that martyrdom was the only way to escape the shame.

Samira Jassam, 51, was arrested by Iraqi police and confessed to recruiting the women and orchestrating dozens of attacks.

In a video confession, she explained how she had mentally prepared the women for martyrdom operations, passed them on to terrorists who provided explosives, and then took the bombers to their targets.

I can’t put it any better than PZ Meyers, who writes:

This is where a pathologically religious culture can end up: with parasites like this who exploit the fear and hatred to create more fear and hatred.

“Where, pray tell, are the feminists?” shriek the self-righteous anti-feminists.

Right here, bitch, and we don’t like this any more than you do. But we’re also cognizant enough to recognize that religious extremism, not just one particular flavour of it, is the malignancy at the root of this evil illness — this story is just one of the more outrageous symptoms. Those who’d enslave women to their reproductive systems for ideological reasons share more with the jihadists than they’d ever be honest enough to admit.

Is the GOP suicidal?

The USA may be looking at a Democratic White House and majority in Congress for the forseeable future if this pans out. Too good to be true:

While the media and political elites debate the future of the GOP, rank and file Republicans see see no need to deviate from the party’s current path. According to a recent Rasmussen poll, a plurality of Republican voters think the party has grown too moderate over the past eight years, and a majority think the party should become more like controversial Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Jesus, how stupid are these people? They just got slaughtered, decimated, sliced and diced in the last election primarily because people like Sarah Palin were the final straw that chased away the last few moderates and caused the party to implode. What can they be thinking? Oh, here’s what, from new RNC Chair Michael Steele:

We failed to lead,” said the former Lt. Maryland Governor. “The principles we espoused [in 1994] are still true and good today and that’s not what people moved away from us for. They moved away from us because we behaved badly. We came to Washington and we became like the people we were sent here to replace. And they replaced us.”

Got that?  “We didn’t lose because we sucked, we lost because the Democrats suck”.

Of course: and everybody wants what the GOP wants, they just don’t know it yet. It’s a familiar refrain from those struggling for relevance in a post-11/4 world, and it’s as sad and ugly as watching an animal with a brain destroyed by rabies, snarling and twitching in its last death throes.

Shave the babies

No, really:

Shave babies, you are destroying my mind with your weirdness.

Memo to UofC: stop giving these idiots so much publicity!

Oh, great. The University of Calgary has charged the campus anti-abortion club with trespassing for setting up their bugfuck nutty “Genocide Awareness Project” display on-campus:

A group of pro-life student activists are heading to court this month after the University of Calgary charged them with trespassing.

Campus Pro-Life and university administrators have been locked in an ongoing dispute over a controversial anti-abortion display called the Genocide Awareness Project, which puts images of dead fetuses next to Holocaust or Rwanda genocide victims.

On November 26, the student group went ahead with plans to erect the display against the university’s requests to turn the graphic images inward to protect those who didn’t wish to see them.

More than two months later, some of the students behind the project have been charged with trespassing and received summonses to court on Feb 27.

I can see the university’s point in not wanting the display on their property: it’s truly disgusting, with images not just of aborted fetuses, but lynchings and Holocaust victims. It’s hyperbolic and incendiary imagery; the kind of thing that might trip someone’s batshit breaker and initiate an afternoon of shooting up a women’s clinic.

But it doesn’t advocate violence, and unless it gets shoved right into peoples’ personal space, being offensive isn’t a very compelling reason to shut it down. While I recognize that what this group advocates is basically the reproductive enslavement of women, an intelligent society should be able to make this distinction and summarily dismiss such bullshit without the friendly assistance of the State Goon Squad.

However, now that Uof C has decided to go the Goon Squad route, all I can say is

STOP! Stop giving them so much publicity!!

This is exactly what they want: PERSECUTION, they thrive on it and revel in it.

The best thing to do with the campus anti-choice doucheclub is just ignore them. They’ll always be around, foaming and jibbering and waving their plastic fetuses in the background, why not just keep them there instead of making them the center of nationwide attention as censorship martyrs and giving them the persecution high they crave?

Ted Haggard: 99 and 44/100% heterosexual

Like the Ivory Soap bar of Heterosexuality, Pastor Ted is almost totally pure, of that his long-suffering wife has no doubt. On Friday’s Larry King Live Show, Mrs. Pastor Ted said she is certain that 99% of Pastor Ted’s sex life was With Her:

KING: You had to be doubly shocked, Gail?

G. HAGGARD: Doubly shocked. However, I do think that our sexuality is complex. But I don’t like is when we put labels on each other, because I am here to say that 99 percent of Ted’s sexual experiences were with me. So I’m not willing to deny that. But I am willing to explore, why is he having these other feelings?

That’s either delusion on a grand scale or Gayle Haggard’s got quite the awesome powers of extra sensory perception going on there. 99%? Not 98? Hmmm or maybe even 97…? From the same show, here’s an earlier statement from Grant Haas, one of the other 1% of Pastor Ted’s Sex Life who recently came forward with more allegations of “Pastor Ted Behaving Badly”. Hit it, Grant:

HAAS: He really thought he was invincible, because he used to say to me, you know what, Grant, you can become a man of God and you can have a little bit of fun on the side.

Oh really!? Well, that doesn’t exactly sound like someone who’s feverishly trying to avoid having “fun on the side” more than 1% of the time. It sounds more like a fat kid at a smorgasbord — filling his face and loving every minute of it, blissfully unaware of the world going by outside the restaurant window.

Of course, I could be wrong:  I don’t have Mrs. Haggard’s powers of ESP.

(A more serious take on Pastor Ted’s sad tale of woe can be found at Canuck Attitude.)

Octuplemama gets an agent

What was it I said a few days ago? Oh yeah:

Would it be hideously cynical of me to wonder if there might be some ulterior moneymaking motive behind this?

Bingo:

The California octuplets turned a week old Monday, and officials at Kaiser Permanente’s Bellflower Medical Center say all eight continue to do well. [..]

It’s unclear how Suleman plans to support her huge family. Her parents have had financial problems. The octuplets are all preemies and will likely require extra care.

Suleman once had a license as a psychiatric technician but that expired. In recent years, she’s been an unemployed student.

Suleman, though, has hired an agent, Kauffman says, and there are reports she hopes to make money through TV interviews and even by working as an on-camera childcare expert.

A childcare expert? You’re kidding me, right?? This woman is the last person who should be dishing out advice on childcare since she doesn’t even know the first rule of it, which is If you can’t feed them, don’t go out of your way to have bunches of them.

The worst thing is, I bet she’s already sifting through all the job offers from various TV networks.

Hijack!

Not content with her own little corner of the toobz, our favourite Fetus Fetishist has taken to highjacking the comment threads on other peoples’ blogs to disgorge idiotic anti-choice propaganda and talking points. “Yes or No” question? A potential (unborn?) spewing opportunity!

Ho-hum. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising from someone who revels in the thought of highjacking other peoples’ rights over their own bodies. As long as she doesn’t fly any blogs into a skyscraper, I guess it’s all good.

Big Tent!

Stand back! It’s the New & Improved Gay and Pro-Choice GOP!

The  new chairman of the RNC, Michael Steele, says it’s time for the GOP to leave their fortified bunker  and reach out to some of the 54% of the country that didn’t vote Republican last time out, namely gays and pro-choicers:

The newly elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, the first African-American ever to hold that position, says his party must do a better job of courting candidates and voters who support gay marriage and are pro-choice.

“I think that’s an important opportunity for us, absolutely. Within our party we do have those who have that view,” Michael Steele told Fox’s Chris Wallace Sunday morning.

Oh, that should really grind the gears of Duh Base, who’ve been wetting themselves in ecstacy over the RNC’s election of a “pro-life” chairman.   Ha!  Will these guys ever learn to do their research

Roe v. Wade should remain in place. (Oct 2006)

before they start climaxing all over the place?