Bill Donohue, call your office

This ice cream ad has 31 flavours of anti-Catholic blasphemy!!!:

But no need for the Catholic League to get excited — it’s from the UK, where the ad is already being investigated by an advertising standards agency to determine if it violates blasphemy standards (blasphemy standards??).

It could be worse… the nun could be an altar boy.

(via Adfreak)

Bruce can has kittehs!

SQUEEEE!

Fun with editing II

Ooohnoooo, it looks like Rev.Dave at Terrible Depths and Birchbark Bible has discovered another masterpiece of social conservative prose, a look at a future dystopian Ontario under the jackboot of sexual jihadists. It starts:

Monday morning rolls around and you’re pulling up to your local family doctor’s office with your 5 year-old child. You’ve booked your appointment a few days ago, and you’re there to get some medical treatment for your son who has been experiencing a persistent cough and a certain dizziness. (Unlike many others, you’re fortunate enough to have a family doctor. Ontario isn’t exactly experiencing a boon in the number of family doctors.) You walk in the door and you approach the receptionist’s counter.

“Hi, I’m here for my son’s 9AM appointment with Dr. Smith.”

“I’m sorry”, the receptionist says quite sheepishly, “Dr. Smith is no longer practicing.”

The receptionist notices your look of shock. It’s an expression she is now well accustomed to and she has the next line ready to deliver:

“Dr. Smith is no longer permitted to practice medicine in the province of Ontario because he refuses to refer patients to abortionists or give counsel about artificial insemination between same-sex couples or sex change operations.”

Well, you know how deeply I’m affected by social conservative prose, and how helpful I am with editing… No!  No, I won’t put this one through the editing machine… Whoops! Too late, the machine is already fired up and, fueled by a solution of 3 parts Bukowski and 1 part William S. Burroughs, it’s ready to go… alright, let’s BUK it a little:

Monday morning rolls around like a blowsy old whore on a leaky, cum-stained waterbed in a skid row hotel, and as usual, you’re out of drugs. Soon you’re pulling up to your local family doctor’s office in a spray of gravel and oily exhaust fumes with a bottle of cheap 5 year-old single-malt scotch that you drain and toss into the garbage-strewn street as you stumble out of the car. You kick the office door almost right off its rusted hinges and stagger in without an appointment – as always, the waiting room is teeming with the twitching junkies who make up old Doc “Scriptwriter” Smith’s patient list, and like the rest of them, you’re there to get some medical treatment for your “chronic pain condition”. (Unlike many others, you’re fortunate enough to have a doctor with a good strong writing arm and a brain like a bowl of Chunky Soup. Ontario isn’t exactly experiencing a boon in the number of doctors who’ll write morphine scripts for tennis elbow.) You push through the room, past the grasping hands that claw at your threadbare Value Village overcoat and ignore the muted voices pleading “Are ya holdin’?” as you approach the receptionist’s counter.

““Hi, I’m here for my pain medication, and I want it now. Where the fuck’s the Doc?”

“I’m sorry”, the receptionist says quite sheepishly, “Dr.Smith is no longer practicing.”

The receptionist notices your look of shock. It’s an expression she is now well accustomed to, having dealt with spastic jonesing junkies for years.  “No!  It can’t be!” you scream, pounding your fists on the counter and tearing at your hair.  “Was he busted?”   The receptionist shakes her head.

“Dr. Smith is no longer permitted to practice medicine in the Theocratic Republic of Ontario. Under Ontario’s New Theocracy, medicine must conform to Religious Standards: no contraceptives, no condoms, no secular science, NO DRUGS. Dr. Smith was run out of town by a pitchfork and flaming torch-wielding mob because he refuses to refer patients to exorcists, snake handlers and leech therapists or give counsel about praying The Gay away.”

There. Fixed.

The rest of the story is so entertaining in its original batshit form that there’s nothing I could possibly do to improve on it.  But don’t let that stop anyone else from taking a run at it…

Say it ain’t so, lifesite!!!

Lifesite suggests a Vatican writer might be “out of touch”. Huh!??

Is this about the 9-year-old rape victim who the Vatican felt should carry twins until her uterus exploded? Or about the Pope’s idiotic jabbering on the subject of condoms and AIDS? No… it’s because one Vatican writer had the temerity to suggest that President Obama’s “first 100 days” weren’t as horrific as expected, presumably because the streets are not, in fact, running red and ankle-deep with embryonic blood. How dare he:

In a front-page article in the April 30 issue of the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, writer Giuseppe Fiorentino suggests that the first 100 days of the Obama Administration have “not shaken the world” in terms of being as negative as expected. Given the source, the article sent shock waves through the pro-life world particularly in America, which was left with the distinct impression that the Vatican writer was very out of touch with his subject material.

Sounds like this Vatican writer might have his head sort of screwed on(!)(!??). Maybe he’s even thinking there might be something to Obama’s goal of finding “common ground” to lower the rate of abortion, because the absolutist position (ban it) isn’t realistic? Well, SHRIEEK:

Douglas Johnson, the Legislative Director for National Right to Life Committee in the US, told LifeSiteNews.com, that contrary to what some have said, the pro-life perspective on Obama’s first 100 days has shown that he’s “already proven to be the most relentlessly pro-abortion President who has ever held office.”

Yeah, and Douglas Johnson et al don’t have a vested interest in maintaining the anti-choice movement’s absolutist status quo — the concept of actually reducing abortions through contraception and comprehensive sex-ed isn’t sufficiently incendiary to crank up the donation machine, is it now?

“Out of touch” is clearly relative.

The Demographic Spring?

The savage beasts of Explodingheadsville, who’ve been spinning their bearings over apocalyptic demographic predictions for over a year now, should be soothed by this:

Something dramatic has happened to the world’s birthrates. Defying predictions of demographic decline, northern Europeans have started having more babies. Britain and France are now projecting steady population growth through the middle of the century. In North America, the trends are similar. In 2050, according to United Nations projections, it is possible that nearly as many babies will be born in the United States as in China. [...]

These sharp reductions in fertility among Muslim immigrants reflect important cultural shifts, which include universal female education, rising living standards, the inculcation of local mores, and widespread availability of contraception. Broadly speaking, birthrates among immigrants tend to rise or fall to the local statistical norm within two ­generations.

That kind of shits Mark Steyn’s bed, don’t it?

UPDATE: Or maybe not.  Commenters who seem to know what they’re talking about argue that the linked report agrees in some ways with Steyn’s hypothesis.

(via andrew sullivan, .gif from artie.com)

The question the Pew Poll should have asked

I knew this: when I refer to these people as fascist punishment freaks and deranged nazi perverts, I’m not indulging in paranoid hyperbole :

The more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support the torture of suspected terrorists, according to a new survey.

More than half of people who attend services at least once a week — 54 percent — said the use of torture against suspected terrorists is “often” or “sometimes” justified. Only 42 percent of people who “seldom or never” go to services agreed, according to the analysis released Wednesday by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life.

Anyone shocked?  Not me.

If anything I was a little surprised that it was only 54%, knowing the blind burning lust for pain and punishment that grips the psyches of hyperconservative fire-and-brimstone rapture-ready fundamentalists and self-flagellating persecution-berserk Papists.

Another point of interest, though.  Almost 20 years ago, churchgoers were also the most supportive of the previous oil-driven intervention into the heart of the Muslim world.   Now they’re the most supportive of using torture on what would presumably be Islamic terrorist suspects.   A pattern emerges.

Here’s another question Pew should have asked:  if the suspect in question was a domestic terrorist suspect, say, a white Christian anti-abortion freak who knew that some clinic or government building somewhere was about to be blown to smithereens — would it still be okay to hook him up to a set of jumper cables to get him to spill his guts about the five W’s of the vicious plot?

I’d love to see how the results of that question would line up with the rest of the poll.