NOOOOOOO!

Fapfapfapfapfapfapfap!

The Blogosphere just got a little less fappier, the Culture of Death a little zestier, and this blog a little less mocking, derisive and occasionally hilarious, as one of my favourite sources of material over the years shuts down.

On the upside, I no longer have to worry about the dangers inherent to exposure to such material –  like being assailed by a fiendish sexual frustration so tangible that it leaps right out of a blog post, crashes through my computer screen and furiously humps my leg until dropping exhausted to the floor.

But still, on a Risk/Reward basis, the laughs were definitely worth it.

Fap… fap… faaaaa…

(A heartbroken h/t to BCL)

She must have been lonely

…and wanted a visit from some of those hunky Secret Service dudes:

Hours after Pennsylvania State Police arrested a 21-year-old Idaho man for allegedly firing a semi-automatic rifle at the White House, the top student official for the College Republicans at the University of Texas tweeted that the idea of assassinating President Obama was “tempting.”

At 2:29 p.m. ET, UT’s Lauren E. Pierce wrote: “Y’all as tempting as it may be, don’t shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we’ve EVER had! #2012.”

Pierce, the president of the College Republicans at UT Austin, told ABC News the comment was a “joke” and that the “whole [shooting incident] was stupid.” Giggling, she said that an attempted assassination would “only make the situation worse.”

Republicans, it’s your dull-eyed, feeble-minded, slow-witted Future, giggling brainlessly over assassination jokes.

Hard as it might be to believe, there could well come a time when the gong show currently beclowning itself in the GOP presidential primaries actually looks good.

Just in time for Friday

The one and only Pepper Spray Cop Game.

Rainy day, spray away…*

*(With apologies to Jimi Hendrix)

“If you’re pre-born you’re fine, if you’re pre-school you’re fucked”

As the children of Attawapiskat endure yet another day of grinding poverty, the “Harper Government” cries “Oh look!  A fetus!”:

A Conservative MP is seeking to reopen Canada’s abortion debate, apparently against his government’s wishes, by asking Parliament to consider “21st century medical evidence” on when a fetus becomes a person under the law.

It was only a matter of time before another member of the CPC’s perpetually-muzzled and brainless Fetus Fetishist Contingent got off-leash and ran amok all over the neighbourhood, barking deliriously, upending garbage cans and rolling ecstatically in the rotten swill before making off with the choicest bits of dreck.

Yesterday’s foul-smelling trash-toting garbage dog was MP Stephen Woodworth of Kitchener Center, who trotted up to the Media wagging his tail and proudly holding this hunk of rancid meat in his teeth:

A recent poll disclosed that 80% of Canadians believe that Canadian law protects the fundamental human rights of children before birth in the later stages of gestation.

In fact, the opposite is true.  Canadian law provides no human rights protection whatsoever for children before the moment of complete birth.  This results from an unusual Canadian statute which defines a human being as a child who has completely proceeded in a living state from the mother’s body, whether or not the child has breathed.  This means that in Canada a child is legally considered to be sub-human while his or her little toe remains in the birth canal, even if he or she is breathing.

I can almost hear the Fetus Lobby squealing “Good boy, Stevie, have a cookie!”

It’s a sad commentary on his demented priorities that while living, breathing Aboriginal children exist in such desperate squalor that the UN is calling our government out on it, Woodworth is preoccupied with those that haven’t even been born yet.  “Pro-Life”?  “My-Ass”.

Woodworth’s press release, in which the word “abortion” is sneakily absent, nonetheless reiterates the popular anti-choice contention that women and doctors are so intellectually and morally bankrupt that abortion 2 minutes before birth is an option they’d actually consider.  Intelligent people recognize the notion for what it is: fatuous at best and a savagely misogynist insult to women (and the medical profession) at worst.  Which is why the idea typically goes down in flames, amidst raucous laughter and hoots of derision, whenever one of these crackpots raises it.

But that doesn’t stop them from trying.  The latest kick at this well-worn can may be an attempt to light a fire under this goofy little project, which in spite of its elegant slavery and “3rd Reich” analogies doesn’t seem to be attracting anyone except other fetus fetishists to engage in “The Debate”.

(h/t – DammitJanet)

Fedex: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight

…but not necessarily in one piece:

In the video description, Goobie55 writes “The sad part is that I was home at the time with the front door wide open. All he would have had to do was ring the bell on the gate.” After being posted on YouTube, the video has attracted many comments relating to the plight of the homeowner and users are sharing negative delivery stories about FedEx through video responses as well. YouTube users have also responded by adding music to reposts of the video, the most timely being “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” 

According to The Daily Mail, FedEx Senior Communications Specialist Shea Leordeanu stated “All of us here at FedEx have seen the video and quite frankly we were shocked.” Company officials plan to track down the delivery driver in addition to getting in touch with the YouTube user that posted the video in order to offer compensation for the monitor as well as an official apology.

As usual I’m late getting my presents in the mail — an insurmountable anti-Christmas mental block does the same thing to me every year.  I was thinking about FedEx-ing them, but after seeing this video I guess they’ll just be late.  Again.  And why not?  It’s becoming a Family Tradition.

Bad Year for Dictators

North Korean Dear Leader and Axis of Evil alumnus Kim Jong-Il boards the last train to Deadsville.

Hmm.

Bonus track:  From last year, Hitchens on North Korea.

So long Hitch

The world just got a little duller and a lot less literate.

Christopher Hitchens, 1949-2011.

Working out, Hitch-style.

Hitler reacts to

– what else?  The Pepper Spray Cop meme:

On Insensitive Douchebags & Swine of the Week Award

Insensitive Douchebaggery was a popular item this week, flying off the shelves like half-price X-Boxes at Walmart on Black Friday (but without the pepper spray, heart attacks and constabulary boots to the head). It was everywhere, like on Old McDoucheald’s farm: here a douche, there a douche, everywhere a douche-douche.

But of all the insensitive douchebaggery cluttering up the week’s cultural brainscape, there was one insensitive douchebag who stood apart from the rest.  No, it wasn’t CPC MP  Jim Hillyer, whose sophomoric “air gun” gesturing during the gun registry vote last month — almost 6 weeks ago, for those keeping track — was immortalized on a video uploaded to Youtube on the December 6th anniversary of the Polytechnique massacre.  Though chances are better than fair-to-middling that Hillyer really is an insensitive douche, it isn’t because of his celebratory Firing of The Air Guns on November 1st.

No, it’s a far more insensitive douchebag who video-clipped Hillyer’s goofy 6-second performance and waited five(5) weeks to upload it to Youtube on the anniversary of Polytechnique.

It’s not hard to imagine what this brainless fuckstick hoped to achieve with this disingenuous, intellectually dishonest and manipulative routine: presumably it was done to make some kind of faux-connection between the CPC and violence against women, with outrage ramped up by posting it on the anniversary of a horrific act of the same.  And to some extent it worked, with the more neurotic registry advocates reacting like Pavlov’s slavering curs to a dangling hunk of raw liver.  That purposely uploading and spreading around this particular video on that particular day makes the Youtuber a far more insensitive douchebag than Jim Hillyer could ever hope to be was lost on most of them.

But not on me.  And since I think such outstanding, above-and-beyond the call of douchey douchebaggery deserves recognition, “SleepyRobAnders” come on down!  You’re Swine of the Week!

John

(1940-1980)

Church Ladies Behaving Badly

There’s no revenge like Church Lady Revenge.  

A couple of years ago, some Edmonton Church Ladies were in the grips of a savage altercation over a Church Gentleman, and predictably, it wasn’t long before the situation spiraled into insanity.  The chief antagonist in the dispute launched a Facebook Vendetta with a fusillade of snarly comments about one of the other ladies, prompting a complaint to their church.  Outraged, Facebook Warrior Church Lady decided to ratchet up the pressure, and she knew how to do it:  a pharmacist by trade, she had an edge in this Battle Royale.  You know where this is going…

Pharmacist Church Lady’s Facebook wall soon displayed medical information she’d dug up on not only her adversary, but also her adversary’s friends.  Which is when everything kind of went to shit, as power-crazed shots at upping the ante often do, and Pharmacist Church Lady soon felt her enemies’ wrath.  And today,  “Vengeance is ours”, sayeth the Church Ladies:

An Edmonton pharmacist has been fined $15,000 after she obtained personal medical information for several people off Alberta’s electronic health system, then posted some of the details to Facebook. [...]

An investigation revealed Songgadan had been fighting with a group of women at her church in the summer of 2009 about the romantic activities and interests of a man in the same congregation, a news release states.

During the conflict, Songgadan posted “disparaging comments” about one of the women on Facebook, the release says. When the woman complained to the church, Songgadan went into the woman’s Netcare records and posted information about her prescription medication on the social media website.

A review of the case then discovered Songgadan had gone into the health files of eight people who may have been sympathetic to the original woman who complained.

I can’t say I disagree with the Church Ladies’ outrage at their private information being posted online for all the world to see.  But if these Church Ladies are the anti-abortion variety, and there’s a pretty good chance that being Church Ladies, they are, maybe this experience will give them a better understanding of the devastating invasion of privacy inherent in laws like this.

Je me souviens

Blackblurry

More good news for Blackberry!

Research In Motion canned a couple of high-level executives who got so viciously, psychotically drunk on an Air Canada flight to Beijing that it had to turn around over Alaska and land in Vancouver so they could be removed and arrested:

Two top BlackBerry executives who got so drunk on a transpacific Air Canada flight that it had to be diverted to Vancouver last week are no longer employed at Research In Motion.

In a brief statement issued Monday, the Waterloo-based company said: “RIM expects that its employees conduct themselves in a manner reflective of our strong principles and standards of business behaviour. [...]

RIM won’t reveal what positions the pair held, but sources have told the Star that George Campbell, 45, was a senior vice-president and Paul Alexander Wilson, 38, was a vice-president.

Under Sedi securities filings, Campbell is listed as an “insider,” a senior officer since 2009.

Ah ha: the “1%”, 100% drunk.

However, I would suggest that Air Canada should have expected this, and had the appropriate restraints ready for these guys.  If, as RIM’s statement indicates, employees are expected to behave in a manner reflective of RIM’s standards, how could they be in any condition other than cataclysmically shit-faced?:

It’s beginning to look a lot like

Pepper Spray Cop meets Baby Jesus!  #Occupy Christmas Sweater!!:

How much do you want one of these?

Cain Train derailed

From the “In What Will Come As No Surprise to Anyone” files, GOP presidential primary contender, pizzamonger and inveterate skirt-chaser extraordinaire Herman Cain has left the building:

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain effectively ended his 2012 White House race on Saturday, saying “false and unproved” sexual accusations have made it impossible for him to carry on a credible campaign.

Cain’s conservative supporters will have to find a new home with voting to start next month in the race to determine the Republican’s presidential nominee for 2012.

999!  The number of boots to the ass he’s taken from Mrs. Cain this week.

A File with Teh See-Siss

I have a seemingly unanswerable question that’s been giving me brain aches, so I thought I’d throw it out there on this fine Saturday afternoon.

Why would an ordinary, if imperfect, citizen have a file with CSIS?

The rundown:  A friend of mine — and no, I’m not using “friend” as a euphemism for “I” — has been working on getting a Criminal Pardon from various ancient contretemps with the Law.  His record was the kind of run-of-the-mill, young guy dumbness that falls into that weird category known as “victimless crime”, and quite historical, the last one having taken place over 20 years ago.  But banal as they might be, these things have a way of stalking one through life and catching up at the least opportune moments — ie., when trying to cross the border into the Unforgiving States of America.  So my friend decided to put it all behind him in an official way, by getting a Pardon.

It seemed like the right thing to do and a probable slam dunk: for over 20 years, this guy has been a regular guy with a regular guy job, regular guy house, regular guy everything, and not even a traffic ticket to besmirch his good name.  But tons of RCMP paperwork, fingerprints and photos later, he’s running up against a solid wall of…here I’m inclined to say “bullshit”, but let’s call it “resistance”.  The RCs told him he’s ineligible for a Pardon because CSIS has an open file on him, so shut up and go away.

What what what wait… CSIS??

When my baffled friend told me about this, it seemed so ridiculous that I couldn’t help laughing:  “CSIS has a file on YOU?  Geez, I told you to erase bin Laden from your speed dial…” etc. Good times.

Thinking the RCMP must surely be mistaken, my friend took it to his MP, who ultimately came back with the same answer: CSIS file, shut up, go away.

This time there was no joking about it.

So okay, this guy was no angel when he was younger, but none of his legal altercations were what anyone would think of as Crimes serious enough to warrant the attention of CSIS.  Frustratingly, CSIS won’t even tell the RCMP, let alone the subject of a file, what they’ve got on them or why they’ve got it or anything else about the file.  All anyone is allowed to know is that the file exists, and even that information is only forthcoming under duress.  Most people never find out about it until they try to cross the border to buy cheap cheese in Seattle.

Apart from concern for my buddy’s rapidly diminishing prospects for a Pardon, this also makes me wonder what other kinds of ordinary-if-imperfect citizens CSIS is keeping files on… citizens who’ve done nothing more exciting than maybe, oh, I don’t know… get falsely arrested while exercising their democratic right to protest?

If anyone has any ideas about this, I’d love to hear them… “anyone” including any CSIS peeps that might surf on through (I linked to you for a reason, dumbasses).   Meanwhile, I think I’ll grab another sweater — this whole thing gives me that chilling “boot stamping on a human face forever” kind of feeling.

OWS gives Luntz The Fear

Scary Occupy Wall Street has given infamous GOP strategist Frank Luntz The Fear:

The Republican Governors Association met this week in Florida to give GOP state executives a chance to rejuvenate, strategize and team-build. But during a plenary session on Wednesday, one question kept coming up: How can Republicans do a better job of talking about Occupy Wall Street?

“I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death,” said Frank Luntz, a Republican strategist and one of the nation’s foremost experts on crafting the perfect political message. “They’re having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism.”

Whoa, Comrade, easy.  Americans aren’t quite ready to trade in Old Glory for the Hammer & Sickle — most still believe that capitalism is the best path to prosperity, and why not?  But Occupy Wall Street has focused on capitalism’s dark side, and revealed that it’s sometimes a path to misery for all but a select few when it’s abused and runs amok.

Lo and behold, the monstrous orgy of bankster malfeasance and corporate piggery that had the economy doing donuts down the road and going end-over-end until it teetered on a roll bar in the ditch — with the middle class left to pick up the tab for repairs — is now a routine part of day-to-day kitchen table discussion.  This is bad news for bootlicking bank lackey politicians of any stripe, but it’s really bad news for the GOP, a party that’s made sucking up to the super-rich a science and an art.

So in comes Luntz, the GOP’s version of The Cleaner, to figure out how to sanitize this mess of an informed electorate and spin their attention away from the grim reality that they’re getting fucked sideways by the System:

Luntz offered tips on how Republicans could discuss the grievances of the Occupiers, and help the governors better handle all these new questions from constituents about “income inequality” and “paying your fair share.”

Luntz’s ten tips advised panicked Republicans how to deal with the problem of a public that’s increasingly catching onto their slimy perfidy and corruption, and even worse, calling them on it.  It starts with a ban on the C-word.

Capitalism.  While the public still prefers capitalism to everything else on offer, they’re understandably cynical about it these days.  There are any number of ways this crisis of confidence could be addressed but most of them involve honesty, so Luntz took the path of least resistance and recommended avoidance.  That’s right: the first rule of capitalism is ”Don’t talk about capitalism”.

The rest of his advice went on in the same duplicitous vein, a monument to political fraudulence and chicanery and ugly vicious biting of the hand that feeds.  After all, how does a wholly-owned subsidiary of the banking industry deal with a constituent’s question about something like this?  There’s only one way: point to the sky and go “Look! Halley’s Comet!”

If there was such a thing as a “Scurrying Rats Index”, it would certainly be rallying right about now.