Desperate Mactards rip guy’s finger off to get his iPad

Worth half a baby finger?

I love Apple stuff too, but not this much:

Bill Jordan had barely left the Apple store when a man grabbed the bag he was carrying the device in. Jordan, who had the bag tied around his hand, told Denver’s CBS4:

“He was almost sitting on the ground he was pulling so hard and it was still tied around my fingers; and it wouldn’t come off and then finally he gave it one big jerk; and that’s when he stripped the skin off my pinky and it went right down to the bone.”

“I saw just a bone, all the skin and tendons and everything were off”

Yecccch!!!  And all because of those killer cords that Apple puts in its little drawstring bags.  (The good news is that it was his baby finger so the poor guy is still up to the task of using a touch screen.   Hopefully when he gets his replacement iPad, the Apple Store puts everything in a box for him.)

Ten years for massaging meat

This is why people have so little respect for the law.

Exhibit A — Scott Roeder, confessed murderer of Dr. George Tiller, could conceivably end up being gifted with a prison sentence of less than 5 years if the charges are dropped to voluntary manslaughter.

Exhitbit B — this guy:

A South Carolina man has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for stealing an $80 slab of meat. The Times and Democrat of Orangeburg reported Thursday that 51-year-old Mark Zachary of Orangeburg received the maximum sentence after jurors found him guilty Wednesday of shoplifting.  Prosecutors said the sentence was justified because the Aug. 26 theft from Reid’s grocery store in Orangeburg was his ninth offense.

Authorities said when a store manager approached Zachary about the missing New York strip and the big bulk under his shirt, he fled, right into the arms of an off-duty police officer.  [...]

Zachary testified he was “massaging” the meat, not stealing it.

Hmmm, massaging the meat, eh?  Heh.  Whatevs.

But TEN YEARS!??  Is that not a bit of overkill?  I realize it’s the guy’s 9th offense, and he obviously has A Problem, but if all his other offenses were as meat-beatingly lame as this one, I don’t see how it adds up to deserving ten(10) years behind bars.  Lucky for Scott Roeder that his crime didn’t take place in South Carolina — if a serial meat-masseuse could get 10 years for what’s basically petty theft, a brainless, murderous brute like Roeder would be going away for about 5000 light-years

Edit: Light years? — whatever!  A commenter just reminded me that “light years” are distance, not time.  But you get the idea. (Fucking medication.)

Drop the wea–err, weiners

Some people will do anything for a little excitement. Here’s a guy who wired up a bunch of sausages to make them look like sticks of dynamite and strapped them around his waist, strolled into a restaurant, demanded the day’s take, and held the police off for an hour… until the arrival of the bomb squad, who exploded into laughter:

Singe He threatened to blow up a restaurant and its patrons unless they handed over the day’s takings.

But when a specialist bomb unit arrived, they realised the bangers were actually sausages. ‘When we saw what he had round his waist, we couldn’t help laughing.

‘Some of the sausages still had the wrappers on them,’ said one bomb squad officer in the city of Benxi, northern China. [...]

The bomber told police he’d planned the raid because he was depressed after breaking up with his girlfriend.

‘I needed some excitement in my life, and to that extent it was a success,’ he commented.

The bomb squad will never let those cops live this down.

And after the Feats of Strength and the Airing of Grievances

…comes the Pushing of Popes:

A shaken Pope Benedict has celebrated Christmas Eve Mass in St Peter’s Basilica shortly after being knocked over by a female spectator.

The woman, said to be mentally unstable, managed to grab him by his vestments near the neck as a security guard tried to overwhelm her.

The Vatican said she had also tried to jump at the Pope last year.

The woman apparently managed to do a little damage  — one of the cardinals fell and broke his hip, which is fairly serious business for anyone, but especially someone with 87 years under his belt.  The Vatican has Socialized Health Care, and you know what that means.

EXTRA: CNN seems to have caught right on to the spirit of this new seasonal tradition:

(via Wonkette)

Like coffee?

…you’ve got nothing on this guy:

A 52-year-old man complained only about the cold weather before walking into a diner with a five-inch knife sticking out of his chest. The unnamed man called a Warren 911 operator on Sunday night to ask that an ambulance be sent to Bray’s, an eatery in neighboring Hazel Park. He said he had been stabbed during a robbery attempt half a mile away, then walked to the restaurant and called 911 from a pay phone.

On a recording of the call, the man gives a vague description of his attacker before saying, ”I’m gonna sit down at Bray’s ’cause they got a chair and it’s cold out here.”

Restaurant employee George Mirdita told The Detroit News the man calmly ordered coffee.

Police said Tuesday that the man is recovering.

After he recovers from the knife wound, maybe he can work on that caffeine addiction.

“Thanks a bunch.”

Via Andrew Sullivan, here’s a blog that catalogues hold-up notes robbers have written to bank tellers, and how their little forays into the most extreme version of  unfettered laissez-faire capitalism worked out for them.

The Love Life of Fruit Bats

Wild Kingdom, baby!  Here’s something I bet you didn’t know: even the lowly fruit bat likes a little fellatio to spice up its love life.

From New Scientist and NSFW (especially if your place of employment is the Bat Cave):

It’s true:  if it exists, there’s porn of it.

(h/t Shoq on twitter)

 

Mark you’re calendars

September 24 is “National Punctuation Day“.

Unfortunately we don’t have this special day in Canada, it’s just in the States.  But I think we need one because, tragically, the NPD website uses our own Rogers Communication as an example of the mayhem that ensues when good punctuation goes bad.

It could be the most costly piece of punctuation in Canada.

A grammatical blunder may force Rogers Communications Inc. to pay an extra $2.13-million to use utility poles in the Maritimes after the placement of a comma in a contract permitted the deal’s cancellation.

This sounds like as good an election issue as any.  Call your MP and demand that we join the battle against the Scourge of Bad Punctuation; “now”!!!

Blame Kitteh

I’ve heard of blaming the dog when you fart, but this is a new one on me:

Florida law enforcement agents have charged 48-year-old Keith R. Griffin (shown at left) with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after a detective found over a thousand such images on his computer.

In his defense, Mr. Griffin told detectives “he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard. And when he returned there will be strange material downloaded.”

Sure, dude.  I’d say “nice try”, but it doesn’t even really qualify as a “try”, let alone a “nice” one.

Squid Invasion

Great snappin’ cephalopods!  The California coast is being terrorized by swarms of giant carnivorous squid:

Calamari on the hoof!

Jumbo flying squid have invaded the shallow waters off San Diego, California, spooking scuba divers and beachgoers after washing up dead on the beaches.

The carnivorous cephalopods, which weigh up to 45kg (100lb), came up from the depths last week, with swarms of them roughing up unsuspecting divers. Some reported tentacles enveloping their masks and yanking at their cameras and gear.  [...]

The so-called Humboldt squid, named after the current in the eastern Pacific, have been known to attack humans and are nicknamed “red devils” for their rust-red colouring and mean streak. Divers wanting to observe the creatures often bait the water, use a metal viewing cage or wear chainmail to avoid being lashed by the creature’s tentacles.

Sounds like it might be boot camp for  PZ Myers’ elite army of attack squid.

Big blobs of mystery goo

Hmm, disturbingly eye-catching headline:

Maybe the First Dude took Pat Buchanan’s advice and the big blobs of mystery goo are all that’s left of pesky little Levi.   Strange things are done by the midnight sun!

Hot action at swingers’ club

When you’re hot, you’re hot:

Firefighters rescued a group of patrons forced to flee in various states of undress after a swingers club caught fire in downtown Montreal Friday morning.

I’m sure Gingi Edmonds will be along any minute now with another spittle-flecked diatribe about how this little disaster was caused by one of God’s Own Lightning Bolts, cast down in furious anger to smite the sinful.

For the workshop bookshelf

For the backyard mechanic who’d rather tinker around with his or her own lunar   landing module than take it into the shop for repairs:

It’s no joke:  you can pick up a Haynes Manual for the Apollo 11, for about $29USD.  My workshop bookshelf is sagging with dog-eared, grease-smeared Haynes Manuals I’ve used over the years:  Mustang, Mini, Triumph, Dodge Ram, Chevy Silverado, Harley, Ranger, Subaru, and more.  I don’t really need this particular manual, but I wouldn’t mind having one just for the cool factor.  Also I am genuinely curious as to what’s under the hood of this thing — does it have a carb??

(from OhGizmo)