Just in time for the War On Christmas

Attention shoppers!

Focus on the Family’s “Stand For Christmas.com”, which rates retailers according to the intensity of their hatred for Christmas, has published their new list of retailer ratings for 2009.   A partial list:As usual, stores are rated as either “friendly”, “negligent” or “offensive” by the Focus on the Family Christmas Gestapo.

If a store’s catalogue features the word “Christmas” in a oversized font, it might be “Friendly” (like Cabela’s): 

Some stores show distinct signs of an impending yuletide event, and even use the word “seasonal”, but it’s just not enough: they are “negligent”.  Like Borders:

“Offensive” stores seem to be those that blow the minds of Focus on the Family year-round, and Christmas is just another opportunity to bitch about it.  The worst offenders are Banana Republic and GAP:

With their commercial suggestion that people should celebrate whatever they want, GAP was especially offensive to the tender sensibilities of Calvinist punishment freaks to whom anyone enjoying anything is anathema:

Okay, Operators are standing by.  As for me, I’m giving GAP a few more bucks for going the extra distance to offend with such libertine flair.  Happy shopping!

46 Responses to “Just in time for the War On Christmas”


  1. 1 deBeauxOs Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Why does ‘Focus on the Family’ hate private entreprise?

    😆

  2. 2 JJ Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Hah. It’s true, they do hate private enterprise, unless it’s doing what they want, allowing them to censor, etc.

    It’s like that other fundie who bought up all the Microsoft stock just to sell it — the free market is great but if we can manipulate it, even better. These people are such hypocrites.

  3. 3 Shade Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Geeze these people are just ridicilous.

    How dare companies recognize there’s other religions besides christianity that celebrate in the yule tide season! Not to mention secular people who have their annual gift exchange day. The nerve of people for being different and companies supporting that! I say we boycott companies entirely!

    Oh wait… I’m not offended by people being different. Silly me. In fact if it weren’t so hot over here I’d probably be planning to burn a Yule log again or an Ashen faggot.

  4. 4 Bleatmop Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Man, between Focus on the Family and Fox, I find it hard to wage war on xmas. I mean, wow. I’m considering going all irregular fighter on them.

  5. 5 J. A. Baker Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Geeze these people are just ridicilous.

    That’s not the half of it. I did some digging. Those ratings are based on self-reporting by Focus on the Anus’ Eyes Stasi informants, under criteria that are completely up to the whims of said informants.

    The data are about as reliable as me telling you which stocks to buy based on the number of corns in my shit!

  6. 6 rww Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    If anyone is at war with Christmas its the Christians that have turned it into the High Holy Day of Capitalism.

  7. 7 Torontonian Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    “Why does ‘Focus on the Family’ hate private entreprise?”

    ——-

    Because it’s not THEIR enterprise!

    Their enterprise (FotF) is sinking and shrinking.

  8. 8 Bruce Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Let’s call a spade a spade, it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s another made up, self serving, my faith is only worthwhile as long as I’m a martyr war on Christians.

  9. 9 The Anti-Social Socialist Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 1:31 am

    // It’s beginning to look a lot like Bee Ess… //

  10. 10 Reality Bites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 5:17 am

    J. A. Baker – well maybe it would be a valid predictor of the commodities market. Corn futures, pork bellies, etc.

    I saw a Gap ad (didn’t pay much attention) that also mentioned Chanukah and Kwanza. Kudos for getting those words into a song and dance routine.

  11. 11 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 7:53 am

    P.S. Where has the time gone? It’s already December 2nd and I haven’t even started my War-on-Christmas shopping, put together my War-on-Christmas Card list (divided into who’s naughty, who’s naughtier, and who can be crossed off the list because they’re now burning in Hell).

    Come on now, everyone join in with me on that old War-on-Christmas classic!

    It’s beginning to smell a lot like brimstone
    Ev’rywhere you go;
    Take a look in the pits of Hell, glistening once again
    With nasty Jews and Muslim gays aglow.
    We’re beginning to hear the crack of hellfire,
    Sin in ev’ry store,
    But the horrible sight to see is the “Season’s Greetings”
    On your neighbour’s door.

    Two pairs of cowboy boots and a dildo that really shoots
    Is the wish of Barney and Ben;
    Kittehs that can talk and will go for a walk
    Are the hope of Janice and Jen;
    And Christians can hardly wait Christ to come again.
    It’s beginning to smell a lot like brimstone
    Ev’rywhere you go;
    There’s no tree in the Grand Hotel, and none in the park as well,
    But I see menorahs ev’rywhere I go!
    It’s beginning to look a lot like brimstone;
    Soon the yells will start,
    And the thing that will make them scream is the thought to which I sing
    Ev’ryone but me will go to Hell.

  12. 12 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 7:54 am

    That should be:

    And the thing that will make them scream is the thought to which I cling
    Ev’ryone but me will go to Hell.

  13. 13 sedum Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Can’t we just solve it by loudly proclaiming-

    “YADDA YADDA YADDA”

  14. 14 Cornelius T.Zen Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Good morrow, all!
    RB: The sound you hear is Bing Crosby, spinning in his grave at 78 rpm. Awesome parody, my friend, utterly awesome!
    Well, if we’re all going to Hell, we shall be in excellent company – each other’s. Waitaminnit. If we’re busy through Eternity, enjoying each other’s company…how can that be punishment? Hmmm…
    Merry Yule to one and all — all the year through
    I remain, as ever, your humble and most obedient servent – CTZen

  15. 15 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Thank you CTZen – I accidently discovered a few years ago that parodies of this nature are just about the easiest form of parody in the world. Take a well-known song where everyone knows the tune and lyrics, find a copy on the Net, change a few words and you’ve got prime snark, friends.

    Watch how quick it is. Note the timestamp on this post and the time on my next one.

  16. 16 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Times have changed
    Our lives are getting worse
    Our stocks have all gone tits up
    I just want to fart and curse!
    Should we blame the brokerages?
    Or blame society?
    Or should we blame the bankers at TD?
    No, blame Flaherty
    Everyone: Blame Flaherty
    With his beady little eyes
    And flapping head so full of lies
    Everyone: Blame Flaherty
    Blame Flaherty
    Sheila: We need to form a full assault
    Everyone: It’s Flaherty’s fault!

  17. 17 Cornelius T.Zen Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Good morrow, RB!
    Next in the news: RB gets sued for copyright infringement by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
    Maybe it’ll get you an invite to the White House.
    You never know – CTZen

  18. 18 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Shade – They do this every year, it’s a focus on the family Christmas Tradition to dictate where people shop. Unlike the rest of the year when they just like to dictate what people can do in their personal lives.

  19. 19 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Bleatmop – I know, I too am finding it difficult to get into the War On Christmas this year. I usually have my War On Christmas lights up by now… meh. No enthusiasm.

  20. 20 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:41 am

    JAB

    The data are about as reliable as me telling you which stocks to buy based on the number of corns in my shit!

    I think that’s the methodology my broker uses…

  21. 21 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:44 am

    rww

    If anyone is at war with Christmas its the Christians that have turned it into the High Holy Day of Capitalism.

    Capitalist Jesus says “Buy low, sell high” 😉

    I wonder who started all this insane gift-giving nonsense anyway? It’s out of control… the first Christmas advertising I saw this year was in early September, right after “Back to School”. WTF??

  22. 22 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Torontonian

    Their enterprise (FotF) is sinking and shrinking.

    Right, I thought they were going broke. That was about a year ago… another scam to get more donations, I guess!

  23. 23 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Bruce

    it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s another made up, self serving, my faith is only worthwhile as long as I’m a martyr war on Christians.

    Indeed. If the War On Christmas didn’t exist, they’d have to invent it… oh, what?

  24. 24 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Antisocial – 😆 What, you don’t believe Christians are being kept from celebrating Christmas? :p

  25. 25 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:04 am

    RB – 😆 😆 😆
    Love the song!

    It’s already December 2nd and I haven’t even started my War-on-Christmas shopping, put together my War-on-Christmas Card list (divided into who’s naughty, who’s naughtier, and who can be crossed off the list because they’re now burning in Hell).

    Me too. I am ambivalent about the War On Christmas this year, where other years I went into battle against Christmas with such fervour. I have got my War On Christmas shopping list done, though: whoever’s naughtiest gets the biggest present 😉

  26. 26 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Sedum –

    Can’t we just solve it by loudly proclaiming-

    “YADDA YADDA YADDA”

    We wish.

  27. 27 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:11 am

    CTZen

    Well, if we’re all going to Hell, we shall be in excellent company – each other’s.

    If I believed in that kind of thing, that would be my attitude.

    Can you imagine being stuck for eternity in the company of James Dobson and Charles McVety, SUZANNE and Socon-or-bust?? 😯 (Although I imagine Socon’s wife already feels like it’s been an eternity…)

  28. 28 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:13 am

    RB 😆 😆 😆 You are so creative

  29. 29 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 11:45 am

    No I’m not, but I fake it well.

  30. 30 Shade Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    “Can you imagine being stuck for eternity in the company of James Dobson and Charles McVety, SUZANNE and Socon-or-bust?? :shock:”

    That’s why I say to some of them “Your heaven would be my hell”

  31. 31 RealityBites Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    My great-grandmother, who apparently had no reason to think she herself might be going to Hell, expressed the desire to go there anyway, as at least she’d have her children with her!

    Her children (my grandmother, great-aunts and uncles) were certainly not sinners on a grand scale. No divorces, no crimes, no scandalous behaviour or at least none that became common knowledge in my family. But if religious belief counts then yup, every single one of them is helping to create global warming from the inside out.

  32. 32 J. A. Baker Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    (Although I imagine Socon’s wife already feels like it’s been an eternity…)

    😯 He’s married?! What woman would put up with him?

  33. 33 deBeauxOs Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Oh Big Bellicose Whiner tried to make the point that SoWrongOrNutz’ spouse was a scientific sort and had willingly chosen the hairshirt life to share with Mr Vatican Taliban, here.

  34. 34 Dr.Dawg Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Reality Bites:

    More, please. Simply wonderful.

  35. 35 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    deBeauxOs – Good grief, a science degree? What kind of science?

    Maybe SOB (appropriate acronym) was the result of a Science Experiment putting urine, spittle and a copy of the catechism into a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar for 6 months.

  36. 36 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    RB – No scandalous behaviour?? Why not!??

  37. 37 Frank Frink Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    It’s nearly Festivus! Let the airings of grievances begin!

  38. 38 JJ Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    Oh shit, the Airings of Grievances! I haven’t made my list yet…

  39. 39 Peter Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 6:14 am

    RB:

    Very, very good. Well done.

    Some of the comments on that site are something else. Here is a good one about Barnes & Noble that I imagine would startle even Jerry Falwell:

    Went to Web Site and not one featured book was about Christmas. Even the Children”s book feature was Green Eggs and Ham not the Grinch who stole Christmas.

  40. 41 RealityBites Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 10:58 am

    A proper Christian would hate “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” It’s about Santa, not Jesus, and except for the Grinch’s dog, is populated entirely by made-up creatures.

    Remember – if God didn’t create it, then Satan did!

  41. 42 JJ Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:01 am

    RB – “SANTA” if you move the “N” to the end of the word, is S A T A N 😯
    Coincidence?

  42. 43 JJ Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:02 am

    deBeauxOs – No need to cue it, it’s on constantly like white noise

  43. 44 JJ Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 11:07 am

    Peter – RB’s good eh? There’s days I log onto this place in a rotten mood, and something that he says always makes me laugh.

    As for the comments at the Focus site, I know: yikes! Faux outrage much? The funny thing is, some of the things they’re outraged about probably haven’t changed in 40 years. IIRC, Christmas advertising didn’t even start until early December when I was a kid. (Granted, there was no TV back then… no hydro… just fire…)

  44. 45 Shade Monday, December 7, 2009 at 12:00 am

    I realise this is a bit of post necromancy but I saw this and it was kinda relevant and good for a laugh I think.

  45. 46 Bleatmop Monday, December 7, 2009 at 5:22 am

    JJ – I was taught that about the Santa Satan thing back when I was a child in church. And it was in all seriousness, not in any kind of ironic way.


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