The real DWTS conspiracy

Back when I was a young kid, we had an amorphous all-purpose saying of indeterminate meaning: “Can’t dance”. It was the 70s version of “Whatever” or “Oh well” or the ever-popular Primal Shrug. Forty years later, I still occasionally use it as an expression of general ambivalence — Can’t dance.  *shrug*

Which brings us to young Bristol Palin’s performance on “Dancing With The Stars”.  (Cut me some slack; I’ve been sick, and right now my brain is that of a primordial, low-functioning beast like a Gila Monster.  This is as much intellectual heft as I can handle at the moment.)

Never mind the assist from the devious vote-freeping campaign of Teabagger Nation, which got Palin further along in the competition than she might have deserved and fueled conspiracy theories in the world outside the blogosphere where people don’t know about things like freeping. No mystery there — it would have been more mysterious if they had not freeped the vote.  But there is a mystery, a different kind of mystery, a mystery of mathematics and physics and the immutable laws of Calories and Kilojoules:  how did Palin manage to gain weight while she was doing DWTS?

To wit, here is where we juxtapose!:

Uh-oh.  The “skinny” picture is from early in the competition and the other picture was taken more recently — and even the casual observer can see there’s some chunky-wunky going on.  Bodyweight generally fluctuates in inverse proportion to exertion: the more you do, the less of you there is to do it.   DWTS contestants reportedly train 8 hours a day, and in the calorie consumption sweepstakes that’s a feat of aerobic exertion on a par with with a couple of hours of hockey — and it’s several times a week.  So unless Palin was woofing back a wheelbarrow full of Nanaimo bars every day, this weight gain would seem to be mathematically impossible.

Unless she wasn’t really training all that hard because she was pretty sure she’d win either way.  On the day of the finale, a smug and snarky remark revealed a hubris that suggested this just might be the case:

In comments before the broadcast, Palin said, “Going out there and winning this would mean a lot. It would be like a big middle finger out there to all the people out there who hate my mom and hate me.

No Bristol, it would be a “big middle finger” to the principles of fair play and good-faith competition;  you know, as opposed to corked baseball bats, anabolic steroids, loaded dice and insider trading.  Oh yeah, and freeping.  Fortunately, the principles of fair play won, and that “big middle finger” will just have to express itself some other way.   *shrug*

Can’t dance.

(To see someone who most definitely can dance, DWTS winner Jennifer Grey — old chicks FTW! — clickety-click!)

18 Responses to “The <b><i>real</i></b> DWTS conspiracy”


  1. 1 FFIB Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 9:17 am

    How long does this show run for, maybe she is pregnant.

    Though I don’t see that maternal glow.

  2. 2 B York Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 9:27 am

    OMG, I hadn’t noticed the weight gain. Most of those contestants shed weight.

  3. 3 deBeauxOs Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 9:52 am

    BWAHAHAHAHA!

    Excellent post and most snark-worthy investigative research.

    I also though WTF? as I observed that Bristol was looking quite, ahem, matronly in her pix.

    I only caught one of her performances on YouTube and frankly, I marveled at the choreographers’ talents in creating dance routines that required very little of Palin except standing, gliding, occasional twirling and a lot of feet-stamping.

  4. 4 Toe Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Jeesus Fuck, didn’t anyone tell that girl you can’t eat Eskimo Rolls AND practice Abstinence at the same time!

  5. 5 Dave Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Heh! Of course, all of us Dirty Dancing fans recognize the best part of the night. Jennifer Grey reprised her role in the movie by showing up with a watermelon.

    And then tossing it.

    Palin was probably thrown off balance at the sight of food. :o)

    TUVM for the link JJ. Hope your head clears soon.

  6. 6 Bleatmop Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    The first picture looks like an airbrushed photo for media release to me, where the second looks like a still from the show.

  7. 7 brebis noire Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    heh. I thought I was the only one who noticed the weight gain. Because yer a hater if you say anything bad about her or her mum. Such as, pointing out the obvious.
    I also thought she might be pregnant. That would’ve been great for the ratings, but I honestly have no idea what effect it would have on their Xtian constituency.

  8. 8 Torontonian Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    What’s even worse is that Sarah Palin’s
    Alaska series on TLC has tanked in the
    ratings among the target audience.
    The high viewership now is in the 49+
    age bracket. That’s an audience the
    sponsors aren’t targeting.

    Red faces all round at TLC and whatever
    else that Palin family contaminates.

  9. 9 horse rider Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    IF YOU DONT HAVE ANY THING NICE TO SAY THAN DONT SAY NOTHING AT ALL. I THINK SHE DID REALLY REALLY GREAT ESPECILLY WITH ALL THE CUT DOWNS THROUGH OUT THE SHOWS.YOU THINK YOU COULD OF DONE ANY BETTER THAN WHY WERENT YOU ON THE SHOW YOURSELF YOU MUST BE A HATER AND THAT WONT GET YOU ANYWHERE IN LIFE . SHE SHOULD BE PROUND TO HAVE CAME IN 3RD.

  10. 10 Sungold Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    I am just amazed at Jennifer Grey. How did she get to be 50? (Golly, how did I get to be 47?) From one old hippie to another – this is just really f’in cool.

  11. 12 Joe Agnost Friday, November 26, 2010 at 6:33 am

    Why is horse_rider YELLING?!

  12. 13 Cornelius T. Zen Friday, November 26, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Good morrow, all!
    Speaking of conspiracies:
    Maybe horse_rider is really SUZY_ALL_CAPS in disguise?
    YA THINK????? – CTZen

  13. 14 J. A. Baker Friday, November 26, 2010 at 8:40 am

    dBO: Bristol’s performance kind of brings to mind one Schmucker Carlson, doesn’t it?

    Horseshit…er…rider: Thanks for proving Brebis’ point about the depths to which the teabaggers will stoop to defend Bible Spice’s “honor” (such that it is).

  14. 15 J. A. Baker Friday, November 26, 2010 at 8:41 am

    SQ: If you consider “Teabonics” to be a separate language, yes.

  15. 16 JJ Friday, November 26, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Guys, I have a feeling that horse rider is just a little kid. Be gentle 😉

  16. 17 brebis noire Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:29 am

    horserider is funny, right down to the crazed spelling. Also, what Sungold said about Jennifer Grey. At least she moves like a 22 yr old, something completely lost on BP, who (and I am trying to say this with utmost contempt for SP and pity for Bristol) made a mockery of her (mum’s) ideal of modesty. It’s not easy to be frumpy and indecent at the same time, but Bristol pulled it off spectacularly…

  17. 18 B York Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    LOLOL brebis! Simultaneously frumpy and indecent is a major achievement.

    Meanwhile, Bristol’s thick as a brick baby-daddy is running for heme town Mayor. I give him kudos for two things that the Palin’s lack: modesty and understanding that he needs to LEARN about things; and complete lack of mean-spiritedness, unlike Bristol wanting to show the TV audience a FU middle finger.


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