A Kick in the Crystal Balls: Predictions Prognostications and Ominous Portents of a Noxious New Year

Yesterday was the End of something and today is the Beginning of something else — I can tell by the way the execrable gloom that always pursues me at this time of year is finally losing ground and dissipating.  Nothing helps put an old year behind better than making predictions for the new one, so in the interest of good mental health, here goes: stand back!

(1) Canada’s Opposition Parties will merge to form one “Liberal Democratic” party.  A week later some uncompromising malcontents will leave to form a more leftist party.  Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(2)  Occupy Canada will return in the spring, but the Powers that Be will be ready: in darkened warehouses across the country, thousands of pepper spray containers already sit and murmur “Expect us.”  Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(3) The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup, but only because none of the final games will be attended by the Prime Minister and the Leafers will deftly evade the dreaded Stanley Cup Curse of Harper.  Stephen Harper will sit back and grouse about the missed photo-op with furious red eyes and a cold reptilian snarl.

(4)  The SoCon or Bust blog will start up again when it becomes painfully evident to its author that idle hands are indeed the devil’s blistered and calloused playground.  Stephen Harper will sit back and wonder how to secure the votes of such deranged monsters without becoming one himself.

(5)  Canadian Progressives will remain a lame, fractured and squabbling constituency.  They’ll be unified only in the way they condescend to the Canadian electorate, which they’ll continue to regard as loathesome brain-damaged slugs who wouldn’t know what’s good for them if it kicked them in the ass.  The electorate will continue to respond accordingly, and Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(6)  Laureen Harper will at long last pack up her bike, zip up her leathers, give her husband one final “for Old Times’ Sake” asskicking all around 24 Sussex, and hit the road.  She’ll sit back on her bike with her feet on the highway pegs, face in the wind and knees in the breeze, give it some throttle and scream “Sayonora, suckaaaah!” with the joyous grin of an escaped death row prisoner.

(7)  Barack Obama will cruise easily into a second term, thanks to the GOP and something called “Occupy Election”.

(8) Occupy Wall Street will return in the spring, more professionally-outfitted and in greater numbers and will continue to influence the political narrative in the US and abroad.  MSNBC will hire an OWS correspondent.  Banksters will get even richer investing in pepper spray futures.

(9) Ron Paul will come very close to winning the GOP nomination, until he’s utterly destroyed by Fox News.  He’ll storm away and form a 3rd party, and Stephen Harper will hoist himself up and shout: “TWO WORDS:  REFORM PARTY!”

(10)  Donald Trump will make another pretend run for President, this time as an Independent running on the all-important Birth Certificate platform.  His campaign will come to an ugly and untimely end when his hair commits suicide in embarrassment by leaping off his head in the midst of a pivotal stump speech.

There’s something to be said for lowered expectations, and those are mine:  you’re welcome to argue, agree or add your own in the comments.

18 Responses to “A Kick in the Crystal Balls: Predictions Prognostications and Ominous Portents of a Noxious New Year”

  1. 1 fern hill Sunday, January 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Oh, it’s so good to have you back, JJ.

    Happy new year. The light is returning.

  2. 2 JJ Sunday, January 1, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Ahhhh yeah, I feel like a human onion with layers of Bad peeling themselves off me as the light slowly returns…

  3. 3 Beijing York Sunday, January 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Best descriptions of Harper evah: “gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.”

    Happy New Year, JJ. Hope you’re wrong on some of your predictions but thanks for the tear gas futures tip 🙂

  4. 4 karen Sunday, January 1, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    Oh no! The poor weasel that dwells on Trump’s head is going to die?! What will I laugh at this year?

  5. 5 southern quebec Monday, January 2, 2012 at 1:37 am

    Maybe if we do a group prayer thingy, SoCon or Bust will return.

    The Donald has become the biggest joke (next to Newticles)in the GOP. (It’s sort of a pathetic little group, isn’t it.)

  6. 6 Oemissions (@Oemissions) Monday, January 2, 2012 at 2:31 am

    And Justin Bieber meets Brigette dePape and develops a huge crush for her

  7. 7 BC Waterboy Monday, January 2, 2012 at 6:29 am

    I second the “gleaming jaundiced eyed, reptilian smile” description of harper, he’ll go down in history as the pm who changed the Canadian landscape, all with lies. Great predictions JJ, long time no talk/comment so wishing you the best in 2012. My prediction is that the progressive movement will become even further fractured as the NDP leadership choice will be disappointing and harper will destroy him/her by year’s end. We won’t win until we play their game and even with opportunities handed to us on a silver platter, ie Bev Oda, Tony Clement, Peter McKay, Peter Kent, Maxime Bernier…we still drop the ball and those three continue in political careers that should be long over. As the cliche goes, it ain’t rocket science.

    BC Waterboy

  8. 8 JJ Monday, January 2, 2012 at 7:42 am

    Happy New Year, BY. All the best to you & yours and let’s hope the future brings all the good stuff that Santa forgot 😐

  9. 9 JJ Monday, January 2, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Even a rodent with a brain the size of an acorn has more self-awareness than The Donald. I’m surprised it didn’t commit suicide during his last humiliating performance: maybe it was in hibernation the whole time.

  10. 10 JJ Monday, January 2, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Maybe if we do a group prayer thingy, SoCon or Bust will return.

    Allright! Who’s up for a Full-Scale 30-day Prayer Assault??

    As for the Donald, his hair, and the rest of the GOP Fail Parade, no amount of prayer will help them. All I can say is… long on popcorn futures!

  11. 11 JJ Monday, January 2, 2012 at 7:58 am

    I don’t know if he’s Brigette’s type… too much filthy disgusting money 😯

  12. 12 JJ Monday, January 2, 2012 at 8:35 am

    BC Waterboy!! 😯 😯 🙂 🙂 How are ya!?? Long time indeed, hope all’s well in Beautiful Interior BC and you aren’t snowed in. (We haven’t had one single flake… so far…)

    Unfortunately I think your dire prediction is true. I doubt the NDP has anyone as charismatic and politically astute as Jack Layton waiting in the wings, and when they do finally choose a leader the inevitable comparisons are bound to come up short. So that’s one dividing factor.

    Another is that the left side of the political spectrum generally tends to be a “big tent”, and a lot of us don’t agree on everything — which to me is fine, the more diversity the merrier. Intelligent people should be able to “agree to disagree” on the odd issue with mutual respect as long as we agree on *most* things, overall. But not everyone sees it that way, and the drive for “purity” will keep the left divided and turn people off of the political process.

  13. 13 HowardV Monday, January 2, 2012 at 9:17 am

    FUCK! I love your common sense! Blog on!!

  14. 14 Phatbiker Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 8:55 am

    In 2012 Harper will disembowel the medical marijuana program, turning sick people into criminals. Those few that still qualify will no longer be able to grow their own meds for free but be forced to buy them (for top dollar) on the street or Govt “approved” companys, ie Harper’s big pharma buddys.

  15. 15 JJ Thursday, January 5, 2012 at 10:00 am

    W00T! Thank you! I intend to!

  16. 16 JJ Thursday, January 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

    This is a funny thing. I saw Harpie on TV a few weeks ago, saying that legalized pot wouldn’t happen on his watch, and it just amazes me. There’s so much money to be made in legalizing it, it’s hard to believe conservatives would rather spend taxpayer money on throwing people in jail and perpetuating the black market. Incredible.

  17. 17 BC Waterboy Thursday, January 5, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    I totally agree on the legalization of pot (don’t like it, don’t smoke it myself) and what a humungous economic engine (it already is) and could be if produced, processed and sold along with alcohol. There is also massive tourism potential the marijuana culture is as big or bigger than wine and the interest in the plant would also be huge. $$$ millions to be made and instead the backwards cons would rather jail someone who dares grow the stuff for themselves or smoke it. Would be interesting to canvass cons and their supporters, bet you could “weed” out the weed smokers in there. Indeed, why let the “criminals” make all the money and pay no tax while doing it. It’s so stupid.

    BC Waterboy

  18. 18 JJ Friday, January 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Hi BCW! 🙂

    Yep, this is one of those things that’s totally ideological, with the emphasis on “ideo” since there’s very little logic in it.

    I’d guess that only a very small part of the conservative base cares about pot at all — my own anecdotal studies :p show that conservatives are some of the biggest pot heads around 😯 (Of course, my conservative friends are libertarians, not socons…)

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