A Kick in the Crystal Balls: Predictions Prognostications and Ominous Portents of a Noxious New Year

Yesterday was the End of something and today is the Beginning of something else — I can tell by the way the execrable gloom that always pursues me at this time of year is finally losing ground and dissipating.  Nothing helps put an old year behind better than making predictions for the new one, so in the interest of good mental health, here goes: stand back!

(1) Canada’s Opposition Parties will merge to form one “Liberal Democratic” party.  A week later some uncompromising malcontents will leave to form a more leftist party.  Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(2)  Occupy Canada will return in the spring, but the Powers that Be will be ready: in darkened warehouses across the country, thousands of pepper spray containers already sit and murmur “Expect us.”  Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(3) The Toronto Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup, but only because none of the final games will be attended by the Prime Minister and the Leafers will deftly evade the dreaded Stanley Cup Curse of Harper.  Stephen Harper will sit back and grouse about the missed photo-op with furious red eyes and a cold reptilian snarl.

(4)  The SoCon or Bust blog will start up again when it becomes painfully evident to its author that idle hands are indeed the devil’s blistered and calloused playground.  Stephen Harper will sit back and wonder how to secure the votes of such deranged monsters without becoming one himself.

(5)  Canadian Progressives will remain a lame, fractured and squabbling constituency.  They’ll be unified only in the way they condescend to the Canadian electorate, which they’ll continue to regard as loathesome brain-damaged slugs who wouldn’t know what’s good for them if it kicked them in the ass.  The electorate will continue to respond accordingly, and Stephen Harper will sit back and observe it all with a gleaming, jaundiced eye and a gloating reptilian smile.

(6)  Laureen Harper will at long last pack up her bike, zip up her leathers, give her husband one final “for Old Times’ Sake” asskicking all around 24 Sussex, and hit the road.  She’ll sit back on her bike with her feet on the highway pegs, face in the wind and knees in the breeze, give it some throttle and scream “Sayonora, suckaaaah!” with the joyous grin of an escaped death row prisoner.

(7)  Barack Obama will cruise easily into a second term, thanks to the GOP and something called “Occupy Election”.

(8) Occupy Wall Street will return in the spring, more professionally-outfitted and in greater numbers and will continue to influence the political narrative in the US and abroad.  MSNBC will hire an OWS correspondent.  Banksters will get even richer investing in pepper spray futures.

(9) Ron Paul will come very close to winning the GOP nomination, until he’s utterly destroyed by Fox News.  He’ll storm away and form a 3rd party, and Stephen Harper will hoist himself up and shout: “TWO WORDS:  REFORM PARTY!”

(10)  Donald Trump will make another pretend run for President, this time as an Independent running on the all-important Birth Certificate platform.  His campaign will come to an ugly and untimely end when his hair commits suicide in embarrassment by leaping off his head in the midst of a pivotal stump speech.

There’s something to be said for lowered expectations, and those are mine:  you’re welcome to argue, agree or add your own in the comments.